Okay, so for those of you who haven't seen it, there's going to be some utter awesomeness at Miss Snarks First Victim in December. Do go check it out. That should give all the pertinent info :) So, I really, really want to take part in this, and entered my logline in the first go-round of Authoress' crit-fest. It did okay. I had some tweaking to do. Here's what it was originally posted as:
Julia has a secret: she killed the guy she loved. It was an accident--sort of. In order to save her best friend's life she's going to have to face her past, but her ghosts won't make it easy, especially his.
This is a bit more of a tag-line than a logline, I guess. Short and to the point, with little details. It lacks the consequences of what happens if Julia fails. This is where things get kinda tricky--how do I explain this whole world in such a short space? Well, about a hundred drafts later, this is what I've got:Julia killed the guy she loved. It was an accident--sort of. The ghosts of her past aren’t about to let her forget it, even when it puts the life of the girl she’s been assigned to protect in danger. Losing her friend is the fastest way to losing the only good thing she has left in life: her work. If Julia has any hope of saving her friend’s life, or her own, she's going to have to face her past, but some memories are better left buried.
It's longer. I don't know if it's any better. Anyone have any suggestions? I'd be eternally indebted :)Yay for awesome comments! Here's a newer version (a little shorter, hopefully less awkward):
Julia killed the guy she loved. It was an accident--sort of. The ghosts of her past aren’t about to let her forget it, even when it endangers the girl she’s been assigned to protect. If Julia has any hope of saving her friend’s life, or her own, she's going to have to face her past, but some memories are better left buried.
All of you who have left comments totally rock! Here's take #3:
Julia killed the guy she loved. It was an accident—sort of. In order to save the life of the girl she’s been assigned to protect, and her own, she must face her past, but her ghosts won’t make it easy. Especially his.
logline
ReplyDeleteHi Mer,
It is quite long. It really should be only 1 or 2 sentences, especially for the MSFV contest next month. Is killing her boyfriend the inciting event? If not, maybe take it out. Is her friend the girl she's assigned to protect? That's a bit confusing.
I would start with the formula: When [MAIN CHARACTER] [INCITING INCIDENT], he [CONFLICT]. And if he doesn’t [GOAL] he will [CONSEQUENCES].
Then snazz it up in your own special way.
Good luck!
Vicki
Hi. It seems the inciting incident in that she killed the guy she loved. Go from there. I've been working mine for three days. It's a killer. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteRe: logline
ReplyDeleteThanks, Vicki! Sadly, this is the mutated child of the original formula (which I find to be incredibly dull, but that's besides the point :) Anyhow, thanks for the input!
Thanks for the comments! His death is central to the whole story, and sets the MC's arc into motion, so I'm using it as the inciting event :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I have so many drafts now that they're beginning to run together...
I agree this is two long. I love the first two sentences but maybe you could combine them into one. The third seems overly wordy, especially 'the life of the girl she’s been assigned to protect'. I don't think you need the fourth sentence. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the input! I've been fiddling with "the life of the girl..." bit for ages--needs some work, I know. Appreciate your help!
ReplyDeleteI think the newest version is much better. It flows. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad :)
ReplyDelete3rd attempt is getting there!
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the revisions. I'd bite on this one. Wish you could tie in that 'buried' tighter with the ghosts from earlier. Sort of a clincher wrap up. On further reflection, cut the last line.
I actually really like the tag-line :)
ReplyDeleteMe, too! I keep being told it's too short and whatnot, though :)
ReplyDeleteRe: 3rd attempt is getting there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input! I think I'm going to fiddle with it and see if I can get the 'buried' with the ghosts, as I kind of like the ring of it :)
I like the first tagline the best of the three. For MSFV purposes, I don't know if it's best, but for me, shorter is usually better. And I think your tagline has the best hook with the "especially his." You might consider changing the em dash in the second sentence to a comma. With a colon in the first sentence, that's a lot of "funky punctuation" going on in the first two sentences.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I'm not sure what to do about this--I really like the shorter one, and agree with your punctuation changes--but it needs something more. Well, back to the drafts!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
logline
ReplyDeleteI actually like your original tag-line the best, especially the last line: "...but her ghosts won't make it easy, especially his."
I really like the specific reference to HIS ghost. It adds much more of an edge.
Re: logline
ReplyDeleteArrgh - forget to put who I am in the above comment!
Re: logline
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting who you are--makes it easier to find your blog and logline :)
Thanks for the input. I've made some changes--hopefully it's better now!
Re: logline
ReplyDeleteMuch better! I like this!
Now that the rest of it is tight, one other thing stands out: who, or what, is Julia? She's been assigned to protect her friend, so is she a secret agent? a bodyguard? an undercover cop? Plug in whatever she is, along with her last name, to give us just a little more about her.
For example: FBI agent Julia Morris has a secret...
Re: logline
ReplyDeleteGood point! I'll have to think about this though--she's not something that can be summed up in a couple of words :) I think you're having the same issue with your logline (right?)--not exactly a vampire, but not human? Only mine's more complex... It's so hard to describe without a few more sentences! I'm rambling, must be time to leave this alone for the night.
I like take #3. Just one suggestion for tightening purposes, I would change 'she’s going to have to face her past' to 'she must face her past' Great job!
ReplyDeleteLogline Take #3
ReplyDeleteHi, I like your logline, great to see how you've revised it. I'd agree with Nicole about the small edit. Good luck with it!
Rach
Good catch! Changes made already :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Thank heavens for folks who can see these things :)
ReplyDeleteLogline fun
ReplyDeleteI like take #3 but with the "Julia has a secret" at the beginning. Otherwise the first sentence seems sort of.. too abrupt.
Re: Logline fun
ReplyDeleteTotally agree, but when I posted this over at MSFV, I got so many comments to kill that first phrase that I'm not sure what to do. Go with my gut and leave it in? Or acknowledge that I had no idea what I'm doing with this thing and listen to advice? Tricky!
Hi and thanks for the crit at my blog.
ReplyDeleteThe logline makes me want to read your book, so that must be a good sign! While this logline does use more sentences than two, it does add voice that helps to sell the story IMO.
Trying to fit it into Holly Bodger's logline template gets me this:
Julia must face the ghosts of her past -- and of the boyfriend she accidentally-on-purpose killed -- in order to save the life of the girl she's been assigned to protect. If she doesn't, ...
I don't know enough about the story to finish but it does get you down to the two lines. Hope this helps!
Azimuth
Chasing the Muse