Survive vs Thrive #authorlife #professorlife

By: Meradeth Houston on 4:00 AM

So, a loved one pointed out something to me yesterday and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I was talking about getting through the rest of this semester and noted that "I just have to survive until the end of it." Their reply: "That's every semester." This conversation went on to point out that honestly, if I keep going this way I'll just survive until I retire...and then maybe until I'm dead. It was meant kindly, if not a little pointedly. The thing is, I need that pointedness to remind me that this life isn't about just getting through, but maybe even thriving a little.

A little context: I am a tenure-track (hopefully to be tenured here in the next month or two) professor where I run two labs, my wing of the department, several large research projects, and the lives of about 10 grad students (and many undergrad interns). To say that my days are insane is an understatement. Many days I find myself sitting in my car on my way to work, crying, and wishing that I could just drive away. Away anywhere. That sounds melodramatic in a stupid way, but it's the truth. What I do for a living takes every last bit of me and leaves me coming home a drained and exhausted shell...who then often is working until late on the couch.

So, yep, surviving is what it feels like. Just let me get through this semester, and then just let me get through my summer research goals. Just let me get tenure. Just let me get through this next big conference. Just let me not let my students down. Just let me not feel like a moron presenting in front of the bigwigs in my field. Just let me not keel over.

I know this is a lot of bitching. I know many people have taxing jobs that demand a lot. And I know I chose this position and technically I could walk away (and do what, I have no idea, because I do love what I do...I just wish it were less). But here I am, staring down my next birthday and wondering how on earth I'm going to get there. How I'm going to even think about thriving.

The crappiest part is that thriving and self-care just feels like another item on my to-do list.

Anyhow, how do I get to a better spot? Hell if I know. I'm still working that bit out. But I do know a few things: it means saying no more. It means telling students that I have office hours and that 'popping by' at any time during the day/night/weekend means they think their time is more valuable than mine. It means being better about my boundaries and telling my institution that they get what they get from me and running me ragged is not worth my pathetic paycheck.

But I do need to be better about remembering to thrive and not just survive. It's not worth it otherwise.