Ramblings on insecurities

By: Meradeth Houston on 5:40 AM

Guess what? I finished a working draft of the modern half of CLM. I am distinctly pleased with this outcome. I have even gone back and hashed over my first couple of chapters, trying to smooth out some of the nasty bumps and snags I left behind during my whirlwind gotta-get-it-down-on-paper thing. It's pretty ugly. And, it pretty much sucks. Last night I closed the file and had to just walk away because I realized how badly it stunk. Which got me thinking...I know, dangerous...but it did. I started pondering how insecure I am about this whole thing.

To put this into context, there's absolutely nothing in my life that I'd say I'm 100% confident about. This varies in severity from day to day, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty much just a lousy excuse for a scientist/wife/writer/sibling/daughter. This bothers me deeply. I don't like being stinky at stuff, and I work like hell not to be. BUT, I have had to really force myself to realize I will never be perfect at anything. I will never even be really GOOD at anything. Somewhere along the line I had to accept that I was always going to be mediocre, and that's just going to have to be okay. Because otherwise I will spend my life chasing after something that I can't have, and let be real here, that sucks. I hate, hate, hate books and movies that preach some kind of stupid message that says everyone's good at something. It's not true. Some people may be better than others in particular areas, but no one is born with some area in their life that they're innately good at. It's BS. There are just some things we are willing to work a little harder at. Like writing. I'm not any good at it. But I will work my a$$ off to ensure that I get better. I will be as good as I can be, someday. Right now, not so much, but I'm still on this journey, and so long as I am still getting better, that's cool with me.

Hmm, this is getting distinctly rant-ish. I will stop now. But, that's what I'm thinking about. No one's really starting off better at something than anyone else, and going to reach some unattainable level because the stars aligned at their birth and made them some glorious writer (or whatever). If you're willing to work for it, you can at least improve.