This is for an NA paranormal, currently titled Coincidences:
Some might call a coincidence a fluke, luck, or
happenstance; Ami calls it her job.
There are some coincidences that are too important to be
left to chance and Ami and her partner, Luke, make sure everything goes according
to plan. Ami loves getting two strangers to meet out of the blue, ensuring
something isn’t lost, or the hundreds of other little events they facilitate. So when they’re tasked to stop a massive bio-terrorist attack in
San Francisco, Ami’s more than a little worried. Then there’s Luke, her best
friend since forever who is unexpectedly dating Ami’s roommate and stirring up
feelings Ami never knew she had—mostly jealousy. With the clock ticking down to
the Fourth of July celebration and planned attack, Ami and Luke have to piece
together how to stop the release of the pathogen, escape the unwanted attention
of lurking FBI agents, and face their feelings for one another. With millions
of lives hanging in the balance, they’re going to need more than a coincidence
to pull it all off.
Ummm, yeah, not sure that's working at all. Thoughts? Why is it so dang hard to get 75k into a couple of paragraphs??
Okay, and just for fun, here's Watson the fish moving rocks! LOL! (She's not the B--- either, just to be clear :)
********Edited to Add**********
THANK YOU everyone for the wonderful comments!! I've been messing around with things this evening and so far this is what I have:
THANK YOU everyone for the wonderful comments!! I've been messing around with things this evening and so far this is what I have:
Some might call a coincidence a fluke, luck, or
happenstance; Ami calls it her job.
Certain coincidences are too important to be left to chance
and that’s why Ami has to make sure everything goes according to plan. If not,
she’s learned first hand how trivial seeming events have big ramifications if
she is unable to complete her work. She and her partner, Luke, mostly get two
people to meet out of the blue, or other little events that are easy to
facilitate. But their next job takes things to a whole new level. When they’re
tasked to stop a massive bio-terrorism attack in San Francisco, Ami’s extremely
nervous. Adding to her concerns, Luke is unexpectedly dating Ami’s roommate and
stirring up feelings Ami never knew she had.
With the clock ticking down to the Fourth of July
celebration and planned attack, Ami and Luke have to piece together how to stop
the release of the pathogen, escape the unwanted attention of lurking FBI
agents, and face their feelings for one another. With millions of lives hanging
in the balance, they’re going to need more than a coincidence to pull it all
off.
So Watson is your architect, and the other is the one who complains.;-)
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, but I think it's lacking a bit of punch. My critiquer eyes snagged on the first sentence of the main paragraph. Consider this rewording:
ReplyDeleteSome coincidences are too important to be left to chance...
The "--mostly jealously" seemed a bit off for me. But that was all that really stood out to me.
Sorry, I suck at queries. >_<
Here are the changes I'd make. (This sounds really good, by the way!)
ReplyDeleteSome might call a coincidence a fluke, luck, or happenstance; Ami calls it her job. (Love this opening line.)
There are some coincidences that are too important to be left to chance. Ami and her partner, and best friend, Luke, make sure everything goes according to plan. Ami loves getting two strangers to meet out of the blue, ensuring something isn’t lost, or the hundreds of other little events they facilitate.
But their next assignment is far from little. When tasked to stop a massive bio-terrorist attack in San Francisco, Ami’s more than a little worried. Adding to her worries, Luke is unexpectedly dating Ami’s roommate and stirring up feelings Ami never knew she had—mostly jealousy.
With the clock ticking down to the Fourth of July celebration and planned attack, Ami and Luke have to piece together how to stop the release of the pathogen, escape the unwanted attention of lurking FBI agents, and face their feelings for one another. With millions of lives hanging in the balance, they’re going to need more than a coincidence to pull it all off.
I'm not good with queries either...
ReplyDeleteTwo things I would change- drop the word fluke, it's just a personal thing on my part, I've never liked the word. And I'd change bio-terrorist to bio-terrorism
I'm with Loni! It needs some punch, and I think you can get it by cleaning up the language and paring it down.
ReplyDeleteHow about this for the first sentence? "Some might call a coincidence a fluke or a stroke of luck; Ami calls it her job."
BUT I like Loni's wording, too. If you used it, the 2nd para could start with something like "...and that's why Ami has to make sure that everything goes to plan. She and her partner, Luke, work hard to..." and so on. The next sentence is a little clunky; I know you need to say that most of the stuff she works on is small, but the wording isn't working quite yet. Sorry to not be so specific! I'd also cut the 'mostly jealousy part.
This is a really cool concept, and I think if you can pare this blurb down, the creativity will shine right through :) And hey, queries are HARD. good for you for asking for feedback!
I love that opening tag line. Awesome. My question after reading this is, why? Why do they have this job? I'd love a quick detail outlining the reason (sandwiched into one of the existing sentences.)
ReplyDeleteYour blog has a new look! Yikes. I wondered if I was in the right place for a second... =)
It's almost there... what do the two people do for a living, exactly? I want to know. This line you have: "ensuring something isn’t lost, or the hundreds of other little events they facilitate." is too coded to understand, and perhaps too wordy.
ReplyDeleteI do like the bio-terrorist plot line and the Frsico setting. Good luck revising it!
I'm learning to condense 60k into 2 paragraphs too and there are some great examples in the above comments. Thanks guys.
ReplyDeleteLove the video of Watson. :) Great little mover and builder.
ReplyDeleteSaw that you received lots of help on the query- so I am not adding anything (I didn't have much to add- and people seemed to put into words what I was thinking). I honestly think that you did a great job and it really does sound good. Hope editing it isn't too painful. ;)
Love the new blog design by the way!
Ugh, queries. I really like Rachel's change w/the highlighting of the fact that Ami just went from small time to big time. My thoughts when I first read it was that it sounded like a light & fun read, but then it morphed into something heavier w/the terrorist attack and pathogens(which I bet you rock btw). So showing that transition in the second paragraph really seems like it works. Other than that tiny thought, I think it really works! And fish! My son loves fish, he always cries when we have to leave the tanks at Wal-Mart. His grandparents are going to buy a fish tank for him, and I'm excited to get to buy some little fishies!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, you all are AWESOME!! Thank you so much for the wonderful help. Seriously, after reading through your comments, I'm going to post my updated version :) Thanks everyone for being so amazing!!
ReplyDeleteYou had me sold on the first line of your new version!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I suck at writing them too. My betas usually rewrite mine. :)
Ooh…okay. So I'm far from being a pro, but if it does indeed help, here are my thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI was a bit jarred on the two sentences that go from pairing two people together to stopping a terrorist attack. Maybe insert a little bit more about what her actual job is and why she'd be tasked to help the FBI, it may read a bit more smoothly.
All in all, I get the premise and it sounds like it's going to be a bang! Sounds like a little chic-lit-ish which is a genre I love!
I'm glad you got feedback. I was going to suggest a paragraph break somewhere, which you added.
ReplyDelete