Okay, so based on what Daisy had to say, I've taken another stab at my query :) What do you all think?
Fleeing
with bloody hands and stolen BMW, Leah must escape murder charges for a crime
committed by shadow creatures only she can see. One thing will get her to stop
running: making sure they don’t kill again.
Leah has spent her whole life trying to figure out why she alone
can see the shadows and how they influence humans to commit rape, murder, and
other horrible crimes. Penniless and running from the cops, she stumbles onto a
small group of people who can also see the shadows and have learned how to kill
them. When they offer her shelter, she jumps at the chance to fight back
against the creatures. The shadow-hunter, Adam, makes the opportunity even
sweeter. Together the group pieces together that the shadows are from another
world and are just beginning their invasion. In order to stop them Leah will
have to risk her life, and the lives of the hunters, to keep the world from
being lost to darkness.
AN ABSENCE OF LIGHT is a New Adult light Sci-Fi, complete at
80,000 words. I believe it will appeal to fans of Julie Cross’ Tempest series. My novels, Colors Like Memories and The Chemistry of Fate, were released
through MuseItUp Publishing. I can be found online at www.MeradethHouston.com.
The first sentence bothers me. Shouldn't it be:
ReplyDeletewith bloody hands and a Stolen BMW, Leah flees from murder charges...
Also, murder charges and crime committed is repetitive but I don't have a fix for it...
And then I don't think you need " one thing will make her stop running". Just need "she has to stop them" or something like that.
I'm one to talk. I'm self-publishing because I can't query to save my life!
Super amazing points! Thanks :)
DeleteIt sounds great to me. I agree about the first line (adding a before stolen). The line that says- Together the group pieces together... It says together twice. Maybe take out the first together.
ReplyDeleteQueries are a lot of work- but yours is coming along nicely. :)
~Jess
Thanks! Very good points--I appreciate it!!
DeleteMer! This is great!!!! I agree that you should add "a" before stolen, but I love everything else
ReplyDelete:)
Yay!! That means a lot to me! :)
DeleteA little bit of tweaking, as suggested above. Fundamentally, it works.
ReplyDelete